All is well for Zell

The Midtoon Herald, March 23, 2009

Riding the wave of free unlimited lifetime warranties that we reported on last week, Computer manufacturer Zell has announced that they made a profit last quarter.

Michael Zell, founder and CEO of Zell Computers, in a public statement worthy of Dr. Seuss, declared that "All is well for Zell," and "Zell sells well."

Roland McDonald, our senior business correspondent and in-house Business analyst, explained the phenomena the following way: "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

Asked to clarify, he explained that at times of financial unrest, customers tend to lean towards value propositions. With the addition of their free Unlimited Lifetime Warranties and their low-end offerings, Zell continues to offer perceived value to its customer. This is the reason why Mal-Wart Mega stores, Dupercuts and Dross, for example, continue to do well even on this down economy."

On other news, protesters flooded to the streets yesterday as Viotex announced that most of their Senior executives would be receiving performance bonuses by the millions.

"They cannot pay themselves bonuses with taxpayer money," said a disgruntled citizen. "Viotex has received billions of dollars in bailout money, how do you justify the bonuses?"

Viotex did not have any comments, but rumor has it that they plan to sue the government if their bailout money is taxed at a higher rate.

This reporter wants some bailout money too...

Disassociated Press