THE MIDTOON HERALD, July 16, 2009
A striking new study by the Department of physics of the Centerville University suggests that the moon may be a spy satellite created by "an advanced civilization that for some reason wants to monitor the activities on this planet". Oskar Katushenko, professor of advanced astrophysics in the mentioned department made the announcement to an astonished crowd gathered at the Homer Simpson amphitheater on campus.
"We have reason to believe," said Mr. Katushenko in his presentation. "That the moon is a spy satellite left behind by an ancient civilization that once inhabited the earth."
The purposes of the satellite are unknown as of this moment and more studies will be needed. Of course all that will be costly and we will need federal funds to be able to proceed to the next stage: Nuking the moon to crack it open so we can enter its control room and retrieve its black box.
How or why the scientists know that there is such room or that the moon actually has a black box, which is a common name to refer to a recording device that tracks flight and communications data on airplanes, was not explained, but rumors around campus point to the direction of the recent submarine expedition lead by the Underwater Civilizations Division of the Paleoanthropology Department that is rumored to have found the ancient city of Atlantis last November.
"The connection is clear," said a paleoantropologist who declined to be identified. "They found the plans for the construction of the moon in Atlantis and because they are written in ancient Atlantean, the translations are taking their time. Now they want to cut the moon in half in search of a new Rosetta Stone to learn the secrets of the people who build the pyramids, taught us language and agriculture and took to their great intergalactic ships and left as mysteriously as they had arrived."
The question we kept asking the whole time was: Why? We texted the question to Isaac Samad-Hallal, a Statistician from the Midtoon Unified Center for the Understanding of Science and he shed some light into the matter.
"The nation that finds the secrets of Atlantis will be able to develop weapons of such power that they will be able to obliterate the planet in 3.14 seconds, a cosmic diathermetrication of the time-math continuum. Obviously we want that technology in the capable hands of our intelligence community, not in the hands of some rogue state or group."
This reporter feels reassured.
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