Funny Find 6/20

Two men walk into a bar, and these are the signs they saw...

As seen on argville.com

Funny Find

MIDTOON Funny Find of the Day for 6/17/2011. As seen on lee.org

They won't be sued if someone cuts their hand with the sharp sign...

CHARACTER DOSSIER: FRED

MIDTOON, the comic strip that allows the reader to choose the story has asked whether Jennifer should accept Fred's advances. For those readers that are interested in knowing a little more about Fred before making a desicion as important as this one, the MIDTOON HERALD has prepared the following Character dossier, which includes every documented strip that has featured Fred up to the writing of this article.

Feel free to browse the comics (warning: ugly art in the earlier ones) If you want to go through the list, use the *back* function of your web browser to return to this list.

#39 Mabel first encounter with him
#94 He moved to the apartments across the street
#95 He met Jennifer
#99 He witnesses capture of a serial killer
#101 He appears in the Channel 5 News
#102 Mabel bakes him a cake
#103 Fred is sorry
#104 Jennifer offers Fred a place to stay
#105 Fred keeps a promise
#116 Fred visits john while he was in pseudo-coma
#117 Fred practices medicinal jealousy
#123 Jennifer kicks Fred out of her house
#132 Fred counsels with his inner devil
#150 Fred encounters Jennifer at Malwart
#151 Jennifer hurts Fred
#153 Fred saves Jennifer
#154 Fred offers Jennifer a ride home
#155 Mario sees Jennifer riding on Fred's red Porcini
#161 Fred pulls the "my card in your purse" trick
#162 Erik talks to Jennifer about Fred
#167 Fred does not concern himself... or does he?
#178 Fred arrives when Jennifer is fighting with Erik
#179 Fred offers to end Jennifer's problem...

 There, we hope that you have learned something about Fred and can help Jennifer make an informed desicion.

VOTE NOW

RETURN TO THE COMIC STRIP

Yezika Scriptor Releases New Book

THE MIDTOON HERALD, MAY 25 2011

Disassociated Press - Yezika Scriptor, the known relationships expert has released a new book for the woman who has everything but the attentions of a young and handsome romantic interest. The book is titled RAISING YOUR OWN HUSBAND: A GUIDE FOR COUGARS and is currently on sale only in the local Midtoon / Centerville metropolitan market. Plans for a wider release have not been announced.

We managed to get a hold of Scriptor in a book signing in Midtoon Mall and she graciously agreed to answer a few question to the Midtoon Herald.

MH: Greetings, Ms. Scriptor. Thank you for taking some time from your busy schedule to talk to us.

YS: Please, call me Yezika. It’s my pleasure. Besides, I'm not really busy. Women actually prefer to purchase my book online.

MH: Yezika, we received news of the release of your new book and wanted to see if you could give us a few bullet points about the contents.

YS: Well, the book is called RAISING YOUR OWN HUSBAND: A GUIDE FOR COUGARS and it’s exactly what the title implies. Not the first part, I mean, raising your own husband is a figure of speech. No one is really going to raise a husband, I hope, because that would be disgusting if you know what I mean, but the second part, you know, right here, a guide for cougars. The book is a guide for cougars.

MH: Can you please define “cougar” for those that are not familiar with the lingo?

YS: Of course. A cougar is generally speaking a woman who pursues younger, sometimes much younger men.

MH: How much younger are we talking about here, 20, 30 years younger?

YS: Well, that depends on the age of the cougar, doesn’t it? I mean, no decent cougar is going to look to a man who is not of legal age, right? So, if the minimum age of the prey, I mean, the boy is 18, subtracting that from the age of the cougar gives you the difference. It’s simple, really once you understand the math.

MH: So your book motivates women to prey on younger men?

YS: No, no, no. There is no need to do that. The woman who purchases my book has already decided that she wants a younger man in her life. All I do is give her some principles that will help her achieve her goals.

MH: Can you share a bit of advice with our readers?

YS: You want me to give you the book for free, don’t you?

MH: Of course not, Ms. Scriptor. We just thought that –

YS: I told you to call me Yezika, can’t you people listen to instructions?

MS: I’m sorry, Yezika, but –

YS: No, don’t come with excuses. All you reporters want is a free ride to fame and fortune, yet you deserve none. You know how much work goes into writing a book like mine? How many excruciating hours of painfully making up, I mean researching stories to illustrate your point of view?

MS: Yes, But –

YS: Don’t interrupt me! By Golly! Do you even know common manners? First you ask for free advice and now you insult me? Get out of here!

MS: Thank you for your time, Yezika.

YS: Ms. Scriptor for you, missy! You’re no friend of mine!

At this point, we had to stop the interview because a pair of police officers heard the commotion from the Sunbucks Café next door and came to investigate.

This reporter swears that she will find an electronic version of the book and load it for free in an illegal file-sharing site. Heck, if there is no electronic version available, This reporter will scan each and every page and post it online. Yezika Scriptor does not deserve a penny for her idiotic book.

THE MIDTOON HERALD, COPYRIGHT

MIDTOON IS BACK

The Midtoon Herald, Friday, July 16, 2010

After a 4-month hiatus that many predicted would be the demise of the MIDTOON comic strip, Executive Producer Neftali Rivera anounced today that Midtoon is back.

"The Midtoon storyline is not over," said an enthusiastic Rivera to a large audience that consisted mostly of his relatives. "It would be a lack of respect to our 6 fans not to continue it to see where it leads."

The technical problems that plagued Midtoon in the past are not all resolved, Rivera admitted, but the company promised to "keep at it" trying to fix the bugs.

"There are quite a few technical issues with the software," Rivera added on an aside with this reporter. "However, we managed to resume publication and hopefuly wil be able to continue."

Upon being questioned about MIDTOON financial stability, the producer admitted that income has not been particularly good, and that the fact that the author has to keep his job with the government to pay his bills will cause a reduction in the publication frequency.

"We can't commit at this time to continue the previous schedule of 3 strips a week, however, we'll do what we can to keep the project alive. When we will publish? Whenever the strip is ready. The best way to keep track of it would be to visit the page, or to subscribe to receive it by email. Facebook and Twitter are still available for notifications."

This reporter is logging in to MIDTOON to see what happens next.

Dissassociated Press

Introducing the Hyper-Size

MALWART Hyperstores has announced the availability of their new household products in Hyper-sizes. The line, which already included Mega-sizes, consist of a line of laundry detergents, general household cleaners and a special line of personal care products.

"I love the shampoo," said shopper Victoria Lassatter, as the fork-lift carried her newly bought bottle of shampoo to her rented truck. "With the new Hyper-size, I will never have to buy shampoo again in my life!"

Lyndon Carusso, from the Carusso Law firm was handing out business cards in front of the Midtoon Store.

"This Hyper-Size is a lawsuit waiting to happen," said Carusso. "And when it does, I want to be the one to deal with it. It's going to be a Hyper-lawsuit."

Peta representatives were protesting the introduction of the new bottle sizes, quoting from the MIDTOON TIMES, which for the sake of full disclosure is owned by the parent company of the Midtoon Herald, PETA claimed that a lady bought a bottle of shampoo for mildly damaged hair and such bottle broke while on her attic. The shampoo drained from the bottle, flooding the living room area and drowning the lady's one hundred and one dalmatians.

"There's no deadlier death than drowning in Shampoo," Said PETA. "You not only die, but your death is inhumane, because the shampoo was not mild enough to prevent eye irritation."

The Plastic Bottle Production Company of Midtoon, PBPCM, also protested the introduction of the new sized products because the production of such large bottles has been outsourced to San Marino, a small republic near the calf of Italy.

"This is an attack on our economy at a time when we can barely sustain it," said Romulus Kristoff, public relations specialist for PBPCM. "What are we going to do with the tons of toxic chemicals we acquired to manufacture plastic bottles if people stop using our plastics? It is not like we can dump them on the lake anymore!"

Regardless of the opposition arguments, customer were voting with their wallets, and the vote was an overwhelming approval of the products.

"I just took a loan to purchase a bottle of glass cleaner fluid," said Leandro Caro. "I plan to extract the ammonia to manufacture Improvised Explosive Devices. Normally I'd do it with other sources, but a hyper deal such as this cannot be passed by."

This may be Malwart's most explosive event this year.

Study on Free-Fall Weddings Completed

THE MIDTOON HERALD

December 17, 2009

A multi-year study of women who were married while free-falling from airplanes suggested a strong correlation between the ceremony and the habit of wearing a parachute. Robert Tang, second junior assistant to the vice president of management of the Midtoon Institute for the Preservation of Useless Facts (MIPUF) announced the surpsising results in a press conference attended by three citizens and this reporter this morning in front of the City Hall.

"We suspected that there would be a correlation," Tang explained. "But once we finished the first 240 interviews, we knew we had identified a causal pattern. There is no doubt in my mind that women who get married on a free-fall wedding have a tendency of wearing parachutes."

The discovery was lauded by the Mayor of Midtoon, who could not attend the press conference because he was at home, watching his plants grow. "We always knew that Professor Tang would eventually discover something, because he is always snooping around."

When questioned on the practical implications of his research, Dr. Tang explained that "women should definitely consider wearing a parachute if they want to get married while dropping off a plane."

The next project Dr. Tang will engage in is a follow up investigation on the grooms, with the intention of corroborating the theory expressed by some at the laboratories that the correlation is independent of gender.

"It would be very impressive indeed," expressed Dr. Tang, waving a 356-page report on his findings. "It would be very impresive if we could demonstrate that men who marry on free-fall, aso have the tendency to wear parachutes."

MIPUF has received a government grant of 36.2 million dollars to be used for further research.

This reporter is considering that her next wedding will be free-fall...

--Dissasociated Press