All is well for Zell

The Midtoon Herald, March 23, 2009

Riding the wave of free unlimited lifetime warranties that we reported on last week, Computer manufacturer Zell has announced that they made a profit last quarter.

Michael Zell, founder and CEO of Zell Computers, in a public statement worthy of Dr. Seuss, declared that "All is well for Zell," and "Zell sells well."

Roland McDonald, our senior business correspondent and in-house Business analyst, explained the phenomena the following way: "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

Asked to clarify, he explained that at times of financial unrest, customers tend to lean towards value propositions. With the addition of their free Unlimited Lifetime Warranties and their low-end offerings, Zell continues to offer perceived value to its customer. This is the reason why Mal-Wart Mega stores, Dupercuts and Dross, for example, continue to do well even on this down economy."

On other news, protesters flooded to the streets yesterday as Viotex announced that most of their Senior executives would be receiving performance bonuses by the millions.

"They cannot pay themselves bonuses with taxpayer money," said a disgruntled citizen. "Viotex has received billions of dollars in bailout money, how do you justify the bonuses?"

Viotex did not have any comments, but rumor has it that they plan to sue the government if their bailout money is taxed at a higher rate.

This reporter wants some bailout money too...

Disassociated Press

Viotex Requesting Bailout $

The MIDTOON HERALD, February 5, 2009

Biotechnology giant Viotex Corporation entered a plea to the City of Midtoon requesting money to pay the creditors, a spokesperson for the company said today. "We cannot survive another quarter without some influx of money", said the spokesperson, clearly affected by the news. "We have done all we can, including giving our senior executives the highest bonuses in the market, but the economic climate is just not there".

According to some animal rights groups, Viotex Corporation has been recently working in a secret project involving the cloning of animals, but the organization has not been able to obtain evidence. Cloning is not allowed in Midtoon as per Ordinance 312-23 L, subsection H-23 passed in 1996 right after a movie where Michael Keaton cloned himself. Eager to stop the possibility of being invaded by a multiplicity of Mr. Keatons, Voters elected to make cloning illegal.

The Company has not admitted or denied the charges, but has brought cloning twice to the courts, in what seems an attempt to justify their secret project. Gary Gordon, Executive Vice President of Secret Projects told us in a telephone interview that "Viotex Corporation is not working in any illegal projects here in Midtoon, and if we were, we obviously would not tell you".

Smart move, Mr. Gordon, but we will eventually get you...

Disassociated Press